Hey gang. I’ve been told so many times that I should write a book. What many of you don’t know is that I actually am. It’s really mostly a part time hobby. I don’t really expect it to go anywhere, but who knows. Here then is the preface and an excerpt from Chapter One:
The Queer Man’s Guide for Straight Women
By Daniel Saint James
Oh god. Not “another” guide written by some self involved twit with a laptop. Let’s face it. Every swinging dick on the planet has advice for you. Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one and they all stink (unless you shell out sixty bucks for a bleaching kit, but more on that later).
Why would you want to read “this” particular guide. What makes “this” one special? Well I’m glad you asked (just play along here). “Queer Eye” meted out wonderful advice to hapless straight men. “What Not To Wear” attempts the same trick with straight women with mixed results (WNTW is technically not a gay show, but when one of your advisors is a gay man, that tends to be a given). There are dozens of guides, television shows and websites purporting to be “the” solution to all of your problems.
I’m not here to do that. This book is about obtaining the perspective you need to figure things out on your own. Not about giving you the answers to things. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you’ve added a new competitor to the already over crowded fishing industry.
Sure, you will find plenty of, “Maybe you should try this” and lots of “Never, never under any circumstances do this” but think of it like Algebra 1 class, where you’re given the basics that you need to solve larger more complex problems. The only difference is that I’m not a fat man in polyester pants and a short sleeve button down shirt with pit stains on it.
Who should read this book? Well, personally, I think everyone should, but that’s because I have bills to pay. Specifically, this book is written for single heterosexual women between the ages of 25 and 45. I think parts of it might be appropriate for anyone. Granted, there may be parts that AREN’T appropriate for ANYONE.
But there. I’ve outlined my target audience. My editor is no doubt having a seizure right now. Let’s get on with it.
How am I qualified to give advice to love lorn spinsters? I’m a 42 year old bisexual father of four. I have a gay daughter, a bisexual daughter, a straight son and an infant daughter of un-determined sexuality (at least until she’s old enough to figure out what she is). I’ve dated men, I’ve dated women. I have a ton of advice, but it’s not about what you should do. Basically, it’s a list of things you shouldn’t do. Why am I an expert? Because I’ve made a lot of mistakes. Learn from my mistakes. It may be that the purpose of my life, is merely to serve as a warning to others.
I haven’t given up. While love is a fairy tale based on neurochemistry, there have been precedents. I do think it’s possible. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I HAVE figured out what not to do.
Call me a “Hopeful Romatic”, but I know that the right person just might be out there. The real question for anyone is: “Am I ready to find them?”
Think of this guide less as a “guide” and more of an open letter from your queer best friend that you never have to buy drinks for (unless you really want to).
Get Over Yourself
“You would worry a lot less about what people were saying about you, if you realized how little they were” – Stacey G
No one will ever care more about you than you do. That’s the truth. You’ll “hear” lots of people say otherwise, but when push comes to shove, we always look out for number one. Your mother “might” care almost as much for you as you do, but I doubt it. Consider this possibility, especially if you have siblings, a step father, or a family cat.
You may occasionally meet men who seem to have unnatural relationships with their mothers. When you meet them, run. They do. There is nothing more unnatural then a thirty-four year old man who still puts his mother first, unless of course, she’s the Queen of England.
Just because we are our own built in number one fans, doesn’t mean that anyone else will think that. Ever. This is a very real possibility that you need to come to grips with before we can go any further in this book. When someone tells you that you are the most important thing in the world to them, you need to ask yourself what else they are lying to you about.
I’m not trying to be cynical here, and I’m not trying to suck the joy out of any relationship you might have. I’m just trying to get you to admit the truth to yourself.
The person you pretend to be when you are around others is only half as interesting as the person you actually are. Don’t be afraid to let those around you see you for who you actually are. You might be surprised by the number of people that suddenly list themselves as your friend.
The truth is, we can usually only guess at what the people around want us to be anyway. Generally, they want us to be silent so that they can talk about themselves. The easiest way to be the most interesting person at a party, is to ask everyone else about themselves.
About the only time people actually take notice of us, is when we do something in incredibly poor taste. Then they LOVE to talk about us. Lets not worry about this particular situation right now, but we will address that later in the book.
Right now, we need to make you realize that no matter how fabulous you think you are, the people around you only get about ten percent of that off of you. That’s all right. Would you really want everyone to worship you and hang on your every word? Well, maybe you would, but for the sake of argument right now, we’ll say that you don’t.
Perspective can be a bitch if it happens too fast. Cosmologists and Mathematicians have gone insane trying to fathom the un-fathomable. We aren’t dealing with anything even close to that scale. We are going to keep it simple.
Fire is hot. Water is wet. In the grand scheme of things, you just aren’t that important. A freckle on a wart on a homeless dog.
Before I take this analogy too far, be mindful of one fact. It’s really all a matter of perspective. I’m sure even Nicole Kidman has days where she feels like no one loves her.